I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just threw up on my dentist
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
