So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
