Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
