I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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