my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize