He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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