i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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