I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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