She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it hurts more in the daytime
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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