$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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