I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
