i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
