I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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