Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize