I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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