i would punch a child for taco bell
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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