My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
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I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
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