i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
