Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
