everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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