I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
