Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
