Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize