New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
