My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
