Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
