apparently the secret to your success is patron
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
