I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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