I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
