waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
