tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
