The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
