So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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