if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
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