That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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