I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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