Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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