Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
