Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
