Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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