We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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