Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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