Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
