so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
