just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
