Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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