she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
