when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
