Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
