Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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