You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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