the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
