perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
