I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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