I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
