you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
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Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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