She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
